Eight Ways To Be A Goddamn American, From A Canadian: An Upper Middle Trash Guide To Independence Day


john moses upper middle trash

Back with his second album on Uproar Records, comedian is known for pushing the boundaries of common decency.  With Upper Middle Trash, Moses explores his warped family dynamics and pulls no punches, swinging on every twisted branch. We decided to capitalize on his hard-won knowledge of family values for tips on surviving all of those July 4th family barbecues.

8 Ways to Be a Goddamn American, from a Canadian
An Upper Middle Trash Guide to Independence Day

  1. Look the Part: It’s not enough to say you love America, you have to wear that shit on your sleeve—literally. Consider Old Glory on your bikini, your tank top, or your American-hero-Bruce-Springsteen-style bandana. Think you are more hardcore than that?  Time for a “Don’t Tread on Me” tattoo.
  2. Blow Shit Up: They’re harder to get your hands on than an AK-15, but fireworks are an essential element of celebrating your freedom. With a quick trip to a state that sells pyrotechnics, you can help make America great again. Buy enough for your neighbors and jack up the price —after all, this is the Land of Opportunity.
  3. Lather Up: Sunburn is the scourge of the Upper Middle Trash masses, so slap some on before you hit your cousin’s cookout. Am I a sissy because I use sunscreen? How about I smack you across your sunburned face, and then you tell me.
  4. Know Your Audience: Feel a racist joke bubbling up to the surface after that fifth brew? Want to start a Black Lives Matter debate? Take a look around and make sure that cousin who’s into black guys—and her biracial offspring—are out of earshot.
  5. Be Creative: Kids need role models, and if you’re a real patriot, that means you. Show them how to turn their kiddie pools into ice-filled beer coolers, then illustrate the American Dream by paying them a nickel every time they fetch you a cold one.
  6. Be a Revolutionary: You’re a slave to the crown no more, so embrace your American roots by tweeting Piers Morgan to tell him what an uptight prick he is. Does the Queen have a Twitter account? Trick question! If you knew the answer, you’re a traitor.
  7. Be a Lone Wolf: Didn’t get an invite to Aunt Margie’s party? Maybe it’s because you’re an alcoholic who has provoked one too many fireworks accidents at parties. Just saying—there’s a reason that my sobriety date is July 5, 2006.
  8. Be Diet Conscious:  Worried your host won’t have gluten-free hot dog buns? Simply take a sturdy, flat board and slam yourself in the head with it, you pretentious twit.

John Moses is a Toronto-born, New York-based comic and writer that you may know as a repeat offender on AXS.TV’s Gotham Comedy Live, SiriusXM or his podcast, Life Beyond Our Mildest Dreams.  Or, maybe you don’t know him from any of those places. After all, his first album, On the Edge, was named one of Laughspin.com’s Top 10 Albums of 2012. And awarded him the dubious distinction as “The One Album From 2012 You Should Get By A Comedian You Probably Never Heard Of”. His second album, Upper Middle Trash, was released in May 2016 and is available on iTunes. His mother hates it.

MOSES ALBUM COVER UPPER MIDDLE TRASH

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2 Comments

  1. BallPeenHammer

    July 3, 2016 at 6:27 pm

    let me know when some third string American comic wastes time reciting tired Canadian stereotypes.

  2. Jim nooten

    July 4, 2016 at 12:25 am

    Send him back to Canada in a box of ice