Dave Ross’ The 5: Five Celebrities Who I’m Positive Get Startled A Lot


Shannon Cloud, Olivia Doud, Matt Ingebretson, & Dave Ross produce the hit stand up show Good Heroin which has been running for three great years now. They’re celebrating their third anniversary with a big benefit show that has a killer line up this Saturday January 13th. The show will take place at the Regent and all of the proceeds are going to benefit the Downtown Women’s Center. Good Heroin has been a staple in the Echo Park community and live comedy scene. The lineup includes Rory Scovel, Andy Kindler, Beth Stelling, Clayton English, Yvonne Orji, and Steph Tolev, and the audience is also getting treated to a special episode of Matt’s new series, Corporate, which premieres on Comedy Central later this month.

Dave Ross, who recently premiered his new podcast, Suicide Buddies, with Hampton Yount, wrote us up a special edition of The 5 to help promote the anniversary show. These are the top 5 Celebrities Who I’m Positive Get Startled A Lot.

 

Donald Trump: I mean, he’s so sensitive. He’s the most sensitive man. I would bet all the money in my bank account, which is a shitload, that every time someone slams a door in the White House, Donald Trump jumps five feet in the air. And then he says something like, “Jesus, Melania! I’m fragile! Very good, very fragile!” Then he calls a country filled with real human beings a shithole, because he’s a sensitive little babyman.

George Clooney: He plays it cool, but there’s fear in his eyes. You can see it. He’s nervous. In George Clooney’s mind, everyone’s always about to realize that he, as an actor, is capable only of playing a hot guy who talks slow. He’s wrong obviously, because sometimes he plays a dirty guy who talks fast. But nevertheless, if you’re standing behind George Clooney and you start talking, he’s gonna flip out.

Laura Dern: She was married to Ben Harper, and that HAD TO SUCK. Coming out of that, you for sure develop a complex that waiting behind every corner is a man with a guitar who’s gonna tell you to “cool it”.

Cory Booker: He smiles too much. He’s hiding something. My guess is that if he’s laying on the couch and his cat meows, he gets super pissed at his cat.

Dave Ross: This one is me. The reason I’m pretty sure I get startled a lot is that I get startled a lot. It’s embarrassing. I have a roommate, because I have a shitload of money, and if he gets home from work, wow, that’s a fun two minutes for me. First, the door closes, and that’s terrifying. Then, he says “hey man!”, and it’s pretty rare that I see that coming. Finally, he walks in the room, and it’s very difficult to prepare for that. I don’t take any medication except marijuana (420 420 420 SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY), but I definitely should take some kind of shut-off-my-entire-brain pill. All the marijuana does is make the door sound louder and mad at me.

Dave Ross is a comedian in Los Angeles.  He is loud, smart and very dumb.  He does standup, he tours the country, and he’s all over Comedy Central.  Drunk History, This is Not Happening and Corporate are a few of the shows you might’ve seen him on.  His weekly show Good Heroin is the greatest show of all time, of any kind, and everyone agrees with that. Follow him on Twitter @davetotheross.

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