Last night, Stephen Colbert needed help to try to makes sense of everything going on in the White House right now, particularly with a USA Today headline- 10 Days, 20 Executive Orders. It’s too much for one man, so he welcomed a very special guest to help sort it all out- the myth, the legend- former Daily Show host Jon Stewart.
Stewart hit the stage completely beardless, donning a fur pelt around his head and an extra long red tie. When asked if it was his Donald Trump impression he said, “I thought this was how men dress now. The President sets men’s fashion; I saw the inauguration. Super long red tie, dead animal on head. Boom.”
Stewart dropped by to lay down a little bit of inspiration on America’s weary protesters and Trump resistors, and he did it through the miracle of sketch. Claiming to have President Trump’s next batch of Executive Orders, Stewart read them off.
First up, “By the authority vested in me by the Constitution, I, Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump, hereby direct that to secure our border, China shall immediately and without hesitation send us their wall.”
Number two, Stewart (minus the pelt) said, “I, Donald J. Lincoln Kennedy Trump III, do pronounce, America, now finally, has an official language. The new official language of the United States is bullshit.” The only way to be fluent, he said, is immersion, so Trump’s entire staff will be required to speak it.
Finally, with the third executive order, Stewart proclaimed that America can still be great, maybe even greater than ever through our reactions to Trump, but it’s not going to be easy. “I, Donald J. Trump, do declare by executive order, that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting.” Stewart said that the Presidency is supposed to age the President, not the public. The reason he is exhausting is because every instinct of his “pathological self-regard” calls him to abuse power and because Trump wants and believes he deserves the adoration of America. He is exhausting because it’s going to take “relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster” to keep him from going “full Palpatine.”
Stewart wrapped the orders saying, “we have never faced this before, purposeful, vindictive, chaos.” But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of Donald J. Trump’s Presidency, he said. “No one action will be adequate, all actions will be necessary. And if we do not allow Donald Trump to exhaust our fight, and somehow come through this Presidency calamity-less, and constitutionally partially intact, then I, Donald J. Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of America. Just not the way I thought I was going to.”