The 5: Five Ways to Nail a Job Interview to Get Your “Dream Occupation”


didn’t become an architect like his parents wanted for his life.  You don’t become friends with @Train by designing buildings. Recorded at The Creek and the Cave in New York City, Dream Occupation is Anthony DeVito’s debut comedy album. Drawing from personal experiences about his life, he’s doing okay for a Jersey guy that sounds like a made-up Italian. The album is out today, August 18th and you can find it on Pandora, Apple Music, Spotify, SiriusXM, Laughly, and all other streaming and download services. DeVito’s half hour special will premiere this fall on Comedy Central, and you can see him nightly on MSG’s People Talking Sports, or listen to his weekly podcast, The Rad DudeCast.

Want to nail a job interview to get your “Dream Occupation”? I know how to do it. “Dream Occupation” happens to the title of my debut album, coming out today.

Follow Anthony on Twitter @anthonydevito_

#1 POWER MOVES

First impressions are everything. When the interviewer offers a seat, DON’T TAKE IT. Sitting means you’re weak. Stand the whole time. And the longer the interview, the stronger you’ll seem. Next, they’ll ask if you want coffee. This is a test. They want to see if your body can sustain itself without a supplement. More importantly, it’s an opportunity to separate yourself from the herd. Drink it all in one gulp. Then, once you’re done, look at your watch and yell “TIME.”

#2 SUBTLETY

You want to exude confidence, but not be a dick about it. So, keep a couple secrets to boost your self esteem. For confidence, tuck a few hundred dollar bills under your shirt collar, the waistline of your pants, and, like a jail razor blade, under your tongue. Just like Gordon Gecko said in the movie Wall Street* “to get money, you have to taste money.”

*I’ve never seen it.

#3 FLATTERY

Now, it’s time to butter up the interviewer. Keep responding to their questions with praise. Talk about how it’s a crime they’re not president of the company. And, if they already are, up the ante. Talk about how it’s a crime they’re not President of the United States. You want to make these compliments stick, so do a little research on the interviewer. Hire a computer hacker to dig into their search history. It’s also a good way to have leverage over them. Do they want to adopt a Korean boy? Or keep one quiet? Either way, you’re good.

#4 VAGUE THREATS

This brings us to the end of the interview. Upon leaving, when turning to wave goodbye, make sure your suit jacket is open to reveal you’ve got a gun. Your last words to the interviewer should be a parting compliment, followed by a definite threat. For example, “Beautiful office, it’d be a shame if it burned to the ground.” Then show them a copy of their own house keys.

….

#5 THANK YOU EMAIL

It’s here where you’ll combine every step: “It was great meeting you. The more I think about it, the more I think President of the United States isn’t a lofty enough title. On my way, I passed the jet ski store, and I know you’ve been looking online to buy one. I’ll ship it to ya. Don’t bother giving me your address, I already have it. In fact, I can be at your house in minutes. A lot sooner than the police.”

Order Anthony DeVito’s debut album, Dream Occupation now on Amazon, iTunes, and wherever digital downloads are sold and hear it on SiriusXM, Pandora, Laughly, and more!

 

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Anthony DeVito

DeVito, whose new Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents… half-hour special premieres this fall, recently made his network television debut on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. His stand-up has also been featured on Comedy Central’s Adam Devine’s House Party and AXS TV’s Gotham Comedy Live. He can be seen on MSG's People Talking Sports and Other Stuff. DeVito was chosen as one of the “New Faces” at the prestigious Just for Laughs Festival and was the 2015 winner of Caroline’s March Madness. He can be heard on NPR’s This American Life, Sirius XM’s Bennington and on his weekly podcast The Rad DudeCast.

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