Twenty Very Funny Jim Gaffigan Quotes


Comedian Jim Gaffigan was born on this day, July 7, forty eight years ago! Let’s celebrate this day with cake and twenty fantabulous quotes. We’ve got the quotes.  You bring the cake.

Got a favorite of your own? Add it in the comments.

1.  You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

2. If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

3. I’m getting fat … as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I’m actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it’s a cinnamon roll, but I want there to be room for it.

4. I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.

5. Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you’d ask them to move out.

6. When you don’t drink, people always need to know why. They’re like, ‘You don’t drink? Why?’ This never happens with anything else. ‘You don’t use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?’


8. I should work out. It’s hard to find time to work out when you really don’t want to.

9. Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

10. Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be everywhere, now they are just weird.

11. The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.

12. Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? What’s that for? I like my bologna like I like a martini, with an olive. I’ll have my bologna sandwich, dirty!

13. That’s why there’s a snooze bar. Nothing like starting off the day with a little procrastination. ‘As my first decision of they day, I will go back to sleep.’

14. Isn’t it strange, when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re in a couple, all you see is hookers?


16. Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?

17. I’m blind, bald, and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.

18. Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

19. ‘Organic’ is a grocery term meaning ‘twice as expensive.’

20. I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.


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Liberty Hardy is a bookseller and Civil War nerd living in Kittery, Maine. She is also a contributing editor for Book Riot and runs Paperback to the Future.


  1. iknowyoujj

    July 7, 2014 at 9:33 am

    That made my day!!

  2. loandinasor

    July 10, 2014 at 11:31 am

    That’s Crispin Hellion Glover, son.